I was on a path of giving advice but I'm going to change direction for the blog this time because I have a lot on my mind and thought it may be cathartic to write down some thoughts.
I am not sure what prompted me to do it, but I watched the video, “Beautiful” that Ashley and her friend made of me. (You can find it in the video tab if you’re interested.) As I watched, I hardly recognized the man in the video. The man I saw was strong, up for any challenge that ALS had in store for him. That man made wonderful analogies that would make the "rollercoaster ride" tolerable. He was almost daring ALS to, as the song says, "hit me with your best shot". He is so confident because God himself is walking with him.
"Oh, young Akhil, you are entering a battlefield that is going test every part of your being but you will not be alone. Unfortunately, everyone that you know and love is also going to have a place in this fight."
I am not sure what prompted me to do it, but I watched the video, “Beautiful” that Ashley and her friend made of me. (You can find it in the video tab if you’re interested.) As I watched, I hardly recognized the man in the video. The man I saw was strong, up for any challenge that ALS had in store for him. That man made wonderful analogies that would make the "rollercoaster ride" tolerable. He was almost daring ALS to, as the song says, "hit me with your best shot". He is so confident because God himself is walking with him.
"Oh, young Akhil, you are entering a battlefield that is going test every part of your being but you will not be alone. Unfortunately, everyone that you know and love is also going to have a place in this fight."
Today I feel like I am in a Wes Craven nightmare (“Nightmare on Elm Street” for the uninitiated - a terrifying movie back in its day). Instead of Freddy Kruger chasing me, I am held hostage by an evil beast.
In my nightmare, the beast has tied up my family forcing them to helplessly watch as the beast kills me slowly, sadistically cutting off small parts of my body making death becoming my only solace.
A more horrific part of the dream is that I see God watching this atrocity unfold, fully able to stop the madness but unwilling. I ask God, "Are you willing to save me?”
The beast laughs as God says to me, "Away from me, I don't know you!"
In my nightmare, the beast has tied up my family forcing them to helplessly watch as the beast kills me slowly, sadistically cutting off small parts of my body making death becoming my only solace.
A more horrific part of the dream is that I see God watching this atrocity unfold, fully able to stop the madness but unwilling. I ask God, "Are you willing to save me?”
The beast laughs as God says to me, "Away from me, I don't know you!"
Then I wake up and realize this really is happening. It is not a dream. The beast is ALS and it is slowly stripping me of everything. It is tormenting my family as they watch my degradation wishing for a “normal” life.
All this is going on while God watches, or so it seems. Well-intentioned people profess they know God and that God loves me but it is hard to feel that right now. That man in the video is on board with that sentiment; however, this man today who has suffered so much since then, wonders.
Perhaps that is incorrect, I don’t really wonder. I know God loves me but it is hard for me to love Him right now. In my mind, He is the one holding me captive, in possession of the keys to set me free with a medical or miraculous healing but He refuses to do so.
All this is going on while God watches, or so it seems. Well-intentioned people profess they know God and that God loves me but it is hard to feel that right now. That man in the video is on board with that sentiment; however, this man today who has suffered so much since then, wonders.
Perhaps that is incorrect, I don’t really wonder. I know God loves me but it is hard for me to love Him right now. In my mind, He is the one holding me captive, in possession of the keys to set me free with a medical or miraculous healing but He refuses to do so.
Fortunately for me, God seems to be ok with one-sided love at times. No matter how I may be feeling, He is always there pulling me toward Him and reminding me that He is here.
He is ready to receive me with open arms any time that I choose to run to Him and I can rest in His peace.
He is ready to receive me with open arms any time that I choose to run to Him and I can rest in His peace.
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