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Cathartic Journey

3/2/2016

1 Comment

 
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 I was on a path of giving advice but I'm going to change direction for the blog this time because I have a lot on my mind and thought it may be cathartic to write down some thoughts. 

I am not sure what prompted me to do it, but I watched the video, “Beautiful” that Ashley and her friend made of me.  (You can find it in the video tab if you’re interested.)  As I watched, I hardly recognized the man in the video. The man I saw was strong, up for any challenge that ALS had in store for him. That man made wonderful analogies that would make the "rollercoaster ride" tolerable.  He was almost daring ALS to, as the song says, "hit me with your best shot".  He is so confident because God himself is walking with him.

​ "Oh, young Akhil, you are entering a battlefield that is going test every part of your being but you will not be alone. Unfortunately, everyone that you know and love is also going to have a place in this fight."

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Today I feel like I am in a Wes Craven nightmare (“Nightmare on Elm Street” for the uninitiated - a terrifying movie back in its day).  Instead of Freddy Kruger chasing me, I am held hostage by an evil beast.

 In my nightmare, the beast has tied up my family forcing them to helplessly watch as the beast kills me slowly, sadistically cutting off small parts of my body making death becoming my only solace.  

​A more horrific part of the dream is that I see God watching this atrocity unfold, fully able to stop the madness but unwilling. I ask God, "Are you willing to save me?”
The beast laughs as God says to me, "Away from me, I don't know you!"

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Then I wake up and realize this really is happening. It is not a dream.  The beast is ALS and it is slowly stripping me of everything.  It is tormenting my family as they watch my degradation wishing for a “normal” life.  

All this is going on while God watches, or so it seems. Well-intentioned people profess they know God and that God loves me but it is hard to feel that right now. That man in the video is on board with that sentiment; however, this man today who has suffered so much since then, wonders. 

Perhaps that is incorrect, I don’t really wonder. I know God loves me but it is hard for me to love Him right now.  In my mind, He is the one holding me captive, in possession of the keys to set me free with a medical or miraculous healing but He refuses to do so.  

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Fortunately for me, God seems to be ok with one-sided love at times.  No matter how I may be feeling, He is always there pulling me toward Him and reminding me that He is here. 

​He is ready to receive me with open arms any time that I choose to run to Him and I can rest in His peace.

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  
Phillipians 4:6-7

1 Comment
Ashley
3/14/2016 07:30:10 pm

I guess no one replied to this one because it's tough to really have a reply.

I have had very similar thoughts. You know I bailed on God for this exact reason. But I'm coming back, and I'm still struggling with that same thought: I know that you're able, so that must mean that you aren't willing!
I'm only on season 4 (the first episode!) so I'm not sure how it will end, but the show reminds me of our walk with Christ. He has told us to do things and we've trusted Him, and He seems to have proven himself trustworthy. But then, something happens, and we begin to question the system. Like the Machine, God has a plan that He reveals to us on an "as-needed" basis. We have to trust that He knows best, and that what happens before our eyes is just one reality. The real reality happens behind the curtain, in the Spiritual realm. And we can't see that. So, faith.
I'm definitely not saying it's easy. Or really that it makes any sense. I just think that if we continue to look at the situation through the lens of this reality, of COURSE that thought will remain: If you're able, why aren't you willing? But when we change our lens, the question changes, too: Does what's happening in the world lend to Your vision of creating disciples of all men and bringing Your Kingdom to Earth? Naturally, we want to ask, "How?!" next, but the faith element sometimes requires that we carry on by simply believing that if we are being obedient, we are creating a glorious shift in the Spiritual realm.
I don't know if that's meaningful or rambly or wrong, but there's my thoughts on it. Love you a lot. It's hard for me to wrap my head around, too.

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    The video is Akhil's journey with ALS.  Painful to see but the faith his family shows is uplifting.
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    God continues to show his love for us through his people.  Thank you to everyone who has reached out to us, prayed for us, visited Akhil, brought us a meal and served us however God led you to serve.  Continue to follow those urgings from God in serving those who are struggling.

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    Akhil and Laura Jhaveri

    Applying the skills they've learned in over 20 years of marriage, this couple faces the challenges of ALS together. MND or motor neuron disease is deadly with no known cure.  The Jhaveri family has to endure this battle and show the world God's love!

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